I'm angry.

So you know how I’ve had such a great attitude about the cancer? Not today. Today I’m angry. I’m angry that 2 years ago I knew something was wrong but that when the doctors told me I was fine I believed them because they told me what I wanted to hear. I’m angry about the amount of information that was not explained to me. Two years ago I was 36, a non-smoker, physically active, with no cancer of any type in my family. I was not considered a cancer risk - Only 5-7% of all breast cancer occurs in women under age 40. But I had found a lump that was not there before and I knew that was not right. My doctor sent me for an ultrasound - it came back clear. I was told the lump probably was fibrocystic or due to hormonal changes. I didn’t know then that ultrasounds are not good at detecting ductal cancer and that 80% of cancer in the milk ducts are found by mammograms. If I had done a mammogram then it would have show calcifications that are an indication of ductal carcinoma. But I didn’t know to ask for a mammogram. At my annual exam a month later the lump was still there. The doctor referred to the earlier ultrasound and said it was fine. A year later, I went again for my annual exam. The lump was still there. The doctor referred to my earlier ultrasound and said it was fine. In December I went again for my annual exam. This time the doctor said the lump probably should not still be there and did a needle aspiration to try to get fluid from the lump. She was not able to extract any fluid which she said was good. So for 2 years I was told the lump was nothing to worry about and after the needle aspiration was told no liquid was also a good sign. By then I’d been living with the lump for so long I no longer worried about it. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound and mammogram. The ultrasound again came back fine. The mammogram showed calcifications and I was told they could mean a pre-cancerous condition. Pre cancer doesn’t sound very scary – it’s not cancer, right? It’s pre-cancer. I figured at the worst, a 2-year old pre-cancerous lump could probably be easily removed. I was then sent for a MRI and was again told it was likely I had a pre-cancerous condition and a biopsy was recommended. I had a stereotactic biopsy where an incision is made in the breast and a vacuum needle is used to extract tissue. My incision was made a good 2” above the nipple. I didn’t ask where the incision would be made or why it would be made there. I didn’t know anything about biopsies. I now know that not only do the incisions from these tests leave scars, but that if the test shows you have cancer the skin around the incision area needs to be removed along with the infected breast tissue. I have since learned that you can request your breast biopsy incision be made close to the nipple to hide scarring and that some hospitals have adopted this as a normal treatment. I didn’t know to request that. The biopsy report says DCIS – cancer inside the milk ducts (still considered pre-cancerous since it has not yet spread). My treatment is a mastectomy. So I’m angry that a condition innocently called pre-cancerous requires the complete removal of my breast. I’m angry that even if my mastectomy is done by the very best surgeons so there won’t be any visible scarring, I will still have a scar from the biopsy and the removal of the surrounding skin. I’m angry that I didn’t push for another opinion 2 years ago when I knew in my gut that something was wrong. I’m frustrated with my insurance company. Mostly I guess I’m just angry that cancer is happening to me. In fact I’m pretty pissed about it. My good attitude will be back tomorrow, but for today I’m too angry to care.