You got a tattoo where?

So before my diagnosis, only a year ago, if you had told me I would have a boob job, a shaved head and a tattoo a year later I would have laughed you right out of my house. But here I am with perky girls, barely-there-hair and a boob covered with vaseline and plastic wrap. Today was the beginning of the last step in my breast reconstruction - my areola tattoo. If you'll remember, I had a nipple sparing mastectomy last April. Not all of the nipple and areola tissue survived the surgery, so I was left with a very faint and discolored areola and more of a nubble than a nipple. So this procedure makes that area look normal again.

The procedure was done at a medical dermatologists office where they do permanent cosmetic makeup, medical peels, injectibles, and also areola restoration. A few before photos were taken and then different shades of dye were swabbed on my left breast to match the color. It looked like a bunch of foundation samples from the department store cosmetics counter. Measurements were taken, lines were drawn and the color selected. I've never seen a tattoo applied before, except on TLC, so I wasn't sure what to expect. The little tattoo gun looked like it does on tv and the technician dipped it in the dye and then applied it to my skin. Luckily I still have no feeling in the right breast, so I didn't feel anything more than a slight vibration as the tattoo was applied. The application took maybe 30 minutes. Easy and painless with instant results - these are the types of procedures I like! So now, the right breast looks much more normal than it did before. The tattoo is redder than the areola on the left, but she said it will calm down over the next few days. I need to keep it covered with vaseline and plastic wrap for the week and then I can show it off. I'll get a second application in about a month to prevent the dye from fading. After that my reconstruction will be complete! I like forward progress.

Everything else is fantastic. I've ditched the wig for a short, dark boyish haircut. My hair is growing, but of course not as fast as I would like. I feel good and energetic and almost back to normal. At my last doctor's appointment I was told pretty much the only things to do to prevent the cancer from coming back was to exercise regularly (30 minutes a day) and eat a well balanced diet. Since I was pretty much doing that before I got breast cancer I got a little snotty. I'm frustrated that breast cancer is so common and there's still no information other than "be healthy" available. So I've stepped up my broccoli and brussel sprout intake and reduced my processed sugar. I'm taking vitamin supplements and trying to avoid stress. Basically I'm trying to live a balanced and happy life. And because I have such wonderful friends and family like you it's not that hard to do! Have a great day!

P.S. I Didn't Really Get the DDs!

Just in case you were wondering...

What a Difference a Year Makes

Can you believe it's been almost a year since I started my excellent cancer adventure? I learned of my diagnosis on February 28, 2010. You have all supported me so much over the past year - I am forever thankful! It's been a while since I've posted so here's what's new with me...

Chemo - I continue to receive the herceptin infusions every 3 weeks and will continue to do so until June. No side effects to report, so it's really no sweat.

Hair - Yes it's growing! My eyebrows are back and so are my eyelashes. What a difference they make! My hair is growing in thick and dark mixed with lots of gray. I'm wondering if the gray will stay or if it's an effect of the herceptin (that's what I'm hoping!) It's about an inch long and I'm ready to hang up the wigs, but my kids are not. They have the final say in when I can go wigless in public, so for now the wigs stay.

Boobs - Their shape and size are way better than they've ever been! I got to go bra shopping and get all new much larger under garments - how fun is that? Did you know the women at Nordstrom stay in the dressing room with you and help you put the bras on? I've been wearing them for at least 25 years - I think I can do it myself. But once I got over myself it was actually very helpful to have someone else in the room :) Everything is healed and looking and feeling good. I have my next appointment with my surgeon on February 28 where I think I get my areola/nipple tattoo on the right side. Now that will be an interesting day! Stay tuned...

Tests - I have an echocardiogram every 6 weeks to make sure the herceptin isn't damaging my heart. My last one was Feb 3 and so far everything is fine.

Public Speaking - I did a speech about my experience with breast cancer for my public speaking class - 15 minutes of just me talking with no podium! I managed to make the class laugh a few times and I didn't cry (that was my goal!) I was pretty proud of myself and to top it all off, I got an A in the class!

Tamoxifen - After pledging that I would take it in December, I never picked up my prescription. I've been feeling really good - almost normal. The hot flashes are gone, my emotions are in check, I'm sleeping all night, and I just couldn't convince myself to trade in all this feeling good and feeling like my body is mine again by messing with my hormones. Plus the reconstructive surgery for me symbolized the end of my treatment (except for the herceptin) and starting a new drug regiment would have depressed me and made me feel like the cancer was still calling the shots. After a year, I don't want to be a cancer patient anymore. It sucks! So it was a my-life-is-moving-forward-I-hope-I-don't-regret-this-decision kind of decision. I'm good with it (even though I know a lot of you disagree with me - but I realize you just want the best for me and don't want the stupid cancer to come back!) So at this point I am not taking the drug.

So now you're caught up! Life is busily normal which is great. I'm running again (to try to lose the extra 5-10 lbs I put on during treatment) and feel really good. I really can't thank you all enough for the year of support. I'll keep you posted on my progress!

The Girls!

Surgery last Friday went well. The worst part is the prep - IV stabbings and the needles in my back for the nerve block. After that I went off to sleep and woke up with a great rack! I was sent home Friday afternoon and was not allowed to remove any of the gauze or the very tight support bra until seeing my surgeon on Monday for a follow-up visit. So I looked like Dolly Parton over the weekend swollen and stuffed with 7 lbs. of gauze. I was a bit worried that my surgeon had decided to see how large she could make my breasts before I would fall over. But on Monday when everything was unwrapped I was pleased to see 2 breasts that were the same shape and size (1st time in more than 6 months!) and they were the right proportion for my body. Unbelievable! I still have tape over my stitches and scars so I haven't been able to see those yet, but they don't look too bad from what I can see. The pain has been manageable, only tylenol if anything. I have to stay in the support bra until Monday and then I can wear anything I want. No exercise or lifting anything over 10 lbs. for a month. So by January 1, I'll be able to have my life back.

I had my herceptin infusion on Wednesday. That was uneventful except that the needle hurt which was to be expected since I had had surgery a few days before at the same spot.

I visited my smart ass oncologist today. He asked what hurt more, the surgery or the Chargers loss to the Raiders. Can I get a new doctor please? As my mom says, I've met my match. Anyway, everything checks out fine. We had a talk about how I would know if the cancer came back. If it were to come back it will most likely be in my bones, liver or brain. There's not really an easy way to tell if cancer is growing in these spots, so I need to report any pain that is getting worse (rather than getting better) in those areas. And as you know I've been very negative about taking tamoxifen. But after Elizabeth Edwards died this week, I thought if my cancer were to come back and I had not taken tamoxifen I would never forgive myself. I don't like to operate out of fear, but this is brain, bone & liver cancer we're talking about. So, my oncologist wrote me a prescription. I'm not going to pick it up until after Christmas. Then I'll take it until my herceptin is done (6 more months) since it will be the most effective while taken together. After that I'll decide whether to continue or not. So if I'm bitchy in January, I'm blaming my hormone levels. Just so you know!

Thanks for all of the support surrounding my surgery last week!

Count Down to Surgery

Wow, I went the entire month of November without a blog? Thankfully I haven't had to be too worried about the cancer for a while! Here's my quick update:

Hair - yes it's finally growing! I have about as much hair on my head as when I first shaved it back in June. My eyebrows have completely grown back and I am back to shaving my legs (boo!). My eye lashes are still very sparse, but I'm hopeful they'll grow back in full force too.

Hot Flashes - Seem to be gone (but I don't want to jinx it, so I'm not saying anything more)

Herceptin - Still getting it every 3 weeks, but am not experiencing any side effects so other than the pain of going to the infusion center and getting IV'd on a regular basis it's pretty easy.

Foob - My next surgery is scheduled for Friday. I'll have the expander removed from my foob and replaced with an implant. I am very excited to have a "real" boob rather than the alien version I have now. My doctor asked, "So you want to go bigger than this one right?" Is she crazy? My foob's been bumping into things for months. No thank you! I'll keep my tiny boobies please. On the left side (my cancer-free, up-until-now-surgery-free boob) I'll also be getting an implant and a bit of a lift (boo gravity!) so my 2 girls will actually match each other. Very excited about that! After this surgery, I will probably need one surgery more after my port comes out and then I'll get a fake nipple attached to the foob (it's a nubble right now) after that. So I'm not completely done yet, but Friday's surgery will go a long way in bringing me back to normal.

Margaritas, Herceptin and an Echocardiogram

I decided that after depriving my body of an adult beverage for this long that tequila might not be a good way to get my feet wet. I'm not really a dive-right-in kind of girl - I'm more of a let's-test-the-water-first person. So at last Sunday's Chargers game I left the margaritas at home and went with Coors Light instead - 3 to be exact (or was it 4?) They were refreshing and delicious just as I remembered. I probably should have had the tequila after the Chargers pathetic performance, but if I start drinking every time I'm frustrated with the Chargers I would never be sober. But I digress...

I went for my first herceptin-only infusion on Wednesday. Herceptin is the drug that targets my Human Epidermal Growth Factor Receptor 2 (HER2) cells which are overexpressed in my body and therefore encourage cancer cells to grow. I've been receiving herceptin in my chemo cocktails, but now am receiving only it. There are no side effects so I wasn't worried about it at all. When I got settled in the infusion center I felt really low. I've been so relieved and excited about finishing my chemotherapy and here I was sitting right back in the infusion center with the same needle in my port connected to the same IV machine. Yes, it was for a much shorter stay (only 30 minutes to receive the IV) but other than that nothing had changed. I better get used to it - I have 11 more infusions before I'm done in June 2011. And so far, so good - no side effects or anything yet so that is fantastic!

I met with my doctor before the infusion and we discussed the tamoxifen hormone treatment again. He said that all of the studies of tamoxifen were done before the discovery of HER2 and triple positive breast cancer so he can't tell me what the benefit would be to take the drug. He said in small animals growing human cancer tumors there seems to be a benefit to taking tamoxifen along with herceptin. You know, I'm just not sold on the small animal research argument when it comes to putting even more meds in my body. So we agreed to continue to disagree and let my body detox for awhile before discussing it again. I think he thinks he can wear me down by recommending tamoxifen on every doctor's visit. What he doesn't know is that the cancer cells have not affected my stubborn cells so he's in for an awfully long conversation. I hope he takes rejection well.

On Thursday I had a follow-up echocardiogram. Herceptin and the other chemo drugs can damage my heart, so I need to get it checked periodically. If you remember my post in June about the first echocardiogram you'll know this was my favorite test. I get to lie on a bed in a dark room listening to the swooshing of my heart with warm goo being rubbed on my chest. Maybe I'm a bit odd, but I found it very relaxing! The technician said that (unofficially of course) everything looked good, so that's a relief.

And if you're keeping score at home, hot flashes are still winning over hair growth. I'm hoping that will change soon.

Chemo #6 Complete!

On October 6 I completed my last round of chemotherapy. I got to sit at a station with a fantastic garden view. It was very nice to be able to look out the window and not at another station's divider curtain for 6 hours. I had friends and family bring lunch and come visit. All in all it was a nice time. When I finished, the nurses and my family were congratulating me for finishing with the hard stuff. I felt like it wasn't that big of a deal, because I knew I had the hard part yet to come over the weekend. But as soon as I got in my car by myself I started crying. I'm not sure why - it must have been from relief to be done with the chemo and the sickness that comes with it. I cried all the way home and then sucked it up and was fine.

I had my usual doctor's appointment before the infusion. Everything checked out fine. My doctor and I are disagreeing about me taking tamoxifen. It's a drug that reduces estrogen levels that is commonly prescribed for women with estrogen receptive breast cancer like mine. I don't want to take it, because I feel like my body has had enough crap put into it in the past 5 months and I would like to detox and work on naturally boosting my immune system. I don't want to sign on for 5 years of taking a hormone regulating drug. My doctor then suggested just taking it for the next 9 months while I'm receiving the herceptin. I'm considering, but am not convinced. If it is effective at reducing the risk of breast cancer recurrence with only 9 months of treatment, why prescribe the original 5 years? I feel like because it's so commonly prescribed that I'm receiving a cookie-cutter prescription and don't like it. Since my cancer is both estrogen and her-2 positive, I can't get a straight answer for increased survival rates by taking the tamoxifen. The chemotherapy and herceptin were supposed to reduce my chance of recurrence from 50% to 15%. If the tamoxifen reduced that recurrence rate to 5% or less, it might be worth drugging myself for 5 years, but otherwise I'm not interested.

At the same appointment, I asked my doctor when I could have a margarita (it's been 5 months people!). Since he's a smart ass like me he said as soon as I start taking my tamoxifen. Very funny doc... He then recanted and said 3 weeks, which is October 27. I figure the Chargers game on the 24th is close enough, so I'm planning to enjoy an adult beverage during the tailgate. Plus, how can you watch the Chargers this season without alcohol? Painful! But that's a post for my Fire Norv/Crosby's a Boob blog.

So, I received my last chemo infusion on Wednesday, October 6. Usually I would start to feel tired on Friday afternoon and sick on Saturday morning. Well this round hit faster and harder than the others. By Thursday mid-day I was nauseous and exhausted. It didn't matter that I took the anti-nausea drugs, I was still nauseous. I ate crackers every 15 minutes or so to keep something in my stomach and it helped a bit. By Sunday afternoon I was recovering and the nausea subsided. I have continued to be tired, even today, but I guess it's to be expected.

So next steps are to continue receiving the herceptin and reconstructive surgery. I've been receiving herceptin as part of my chemotherapy cocktail, but now I will just get it every 3 weeks. It's still given through the port in my chest, so I'll have that lovely accessory under my skin until next June. I'm scheduled for surgery on December 3. That I'm looking forward to! Other than that I'm waiting for my hair to grow and the hot flashes to subside.

All in all, the chemotherapy was not that bad. The infusions were painless and ended up being a great way to catch up with family and friends. The side effects were not fun, but I really was only sick 2-3 days with each round. I was tired a lot, but tired is manageable. The hair loss sucks, but the wigs are kind of fun and it's shaved 20 minutes off my morning routine. I would definitely not want to do it all again, but survived just fine. I am so grateful to all of you for the encouragement and support you have given me. My experience would have been much different without all of you rooting me on and praying for my recovery. I am very blessed to have you all in my life!

God Bless Sephora!

I did something Wednesday afternoon that I have never done before. I set aside my intimidation and walked into the Sephora cosmetics store in Fashion Valley. I know most of you girls love this place, but I never got into the whole make-up thing. A little mascara, a little lip gloss and I'm out the door. Guys - Sephora is kind of like Best Buy for cosmetics. There are so many tubes, bottles, powders and potions that it will make your head spin!

My eyebrows and eye lashes have started falling out. It's slight, but becoming noticeable. With this current round of chemotherapy plus one more there is a chance that the loss will be significant by mid-October. The bummer is that I will be done with the chemo by then - so right when I'm feeling good and recovering from 4 1/2 months of hell is when I will look the sickest. So, I decided it was time to go to the pros and ask for help.

I'm not sure why I was afraid of this place. This was a really fun experience! I got to sit in the special make-up application chair with my own mirror and make-up artist. I had decided before I got there that there was no way I was buying and applying fake eye lashes. I don't have the patience or desire to glue something to my eye lids. So my search was for products to fill in my thinning eyebrows and highlight my eyes without lashes/mascara.

Who new there were so many easy solutions?! (I sound like a kid in a candy shop, don't I?) For eyebrows I tried a pen that you use to draw in fine hairs. It did the trick, but the color wasn't exactly right. I settled on wax and powder. You apply a thin coast of wax from a wax pencil over the brow and then eyebrow powder with a small make-up brush. The powder sticks to the wax and voila! the brows appear full.

For my eyes, the make-up artist suggested I use my daily mascara sparingly only on special occasions. This is because the more I handle them during application and rub them to remove the make-up the higher the chances I'm pulling them out and causing even more damage. Makes sense - but breaking a 20 year habit won't be easy! We tried a few eyeliner colors and she showed me the correct way to line my eyes. When I left there I had a bag full of goodies and a lot less cash. But, now I feel like when I walk down the street at least you'll all be staring at my eyes and not my foob! I'd still rather spend the money on Chargers apparel, but removing the worry of looking sick from missing eyebrows was well worth it.

Round 5

The best thing about being in this chair hooked up the IV for the next 6 hours is that 3 weeks from now will be my last chemo session! This is round 5 of 6. Easy! I haven't posted anything new since the last round even though I promised I would... you missed another fever but everything else was easy. The weekend after round 4 was uneventful. I was tired, but not as nauseous as I usually am. But on Saturday night of Labor Day weekend I felt like hell and had a fever of 101.5. Anything over 100.5 means a call to the doctor and a trip to the emergency room. I tried to sleep it off, but the fever was still there on Sunday morning, so I called the doctor. Since I was feeling ok except for the fever she had me go to the infusion center for some blood labs to see what was going on. My white blood count was really low so she prescribed some antibiotics. I was able to convince her that I would report if the fever went any higher or if I had any pain. She sent me home with my antibiotics and the fever broke the next day. Other than that, everything else was business as usual.

I woke up yesterday morning and heard the kids chatting. Ryan asked Jake where I was. Jake replied that I was still sleeping and that they should let me sleep because I would be getting my bad medicine tomorrow and it makes me sleepy. I was very touched to hear Jake taking care of me, but also sad that my kids are worrying about me. It just motivated me to be even stronger so that I can be a great mom despite my energy level or how I'm feeling.

Unfortunately there's no new foob news. I know some of you tune in just for that. And other than the complete destruction of my Chargers on Monday night, everything is good. Thank you to everyone for all of your support!

Round 4 Done

Yes, I've been lagging on my blog. I have a good excuse though since I've spent the past 2 weeks moving, unpacking and painting. I am also blaming the move for my complete failure to reach my goal of listening to the positive imaging tapes 3 times per week. I haven't even listened once since the last blog. Lame...

I survived the fourth round (of 6) on Wednesday. As usual the day started with an appointment with my oncologist. He said everything is still going great. He's a bit concerned about school starting for the kids and me since elementary school and preschool are such petri dishes for germs. I'll have to be extra vigilant about hand washing and drown my kids in embarrassing amounts of antibacterial gel.

Then it was up to the cafe for a bagel and juice (since I had an hour to kill before my infusion center appointment). I got settled in my cozy recliner around 11:00 (1/2 hour late). I had a wonderful nurse who was training a new chemo nurse, so everything had to be explained in painful detail. It took forever! Plus, the lab at the infusion center was down, so my blood work had to be sent to Thornton Hospital, which also slowed down the process. So, to receive 3 1/2 hours worth of meds (if you generously add an hour for blood draws, port flushing and anti-nausea meds that's still only 4 1/2 hours) I was there for 6 1/2 hours. Including my doctor's appointment and bagel stop, I spent 8 1/2 hours at UCSD! I mean I like the place, but that's a tad ridiculous.

My blood work was similar this time to round 3. The chemo is lowering my potassium levels, so I had to swallow 4 bright yellow horse pills and receive another list of foods that are high in potassium (no bananas are not even close to the top of the list - try tomato paste and leafy greens). The other issue is my hemoglobin. Hemoglobin stimulates red blood cell production and when that's low you are anemic. It is a common side effect from the continuous doses of chemotherapy to become anemic. I've been researching natural ways to increase my hemoglobin and red blood cell production because the nurse was talking about putting me on medication to increase it and if that doesn't work to have a blood transfusion (worst case). I'm not a big medicine fan. I don't like taking one medication and that causes a side effect so you take another one to ease that effect that in turn causes another... If I can choke down more leafy greens (mmmmm, my favorite - see positive imaging at work) then maybe I can avoid the whole mess.

The only other side effect news is something I'm choosing to call Sleeping Ovaries (because I'm much too young to use the "M" word - temporary menopause) I know - outrageous right! The chemotherapy has caused my ovaries to take a well deserved nap. The hope is that they wake up refreshed after chemo is done and continue to do whatever it is they do until I'm the appropriate age to blog that word again.

I ordered a fantastic shirt online last week (thanks Alex for the link!) that has the big pink breast cancer awareness ribbon on the front and in big black letters says "Hell yeah they're fake! The real ones tried to kill me!" I love it! Speaking of foobs, I set my reconstructive surgery date for December 3. I am very excited to have it scheduled as that signals the end of all this cancer crap (except for the 12 months of herceptin infusions, but I'm choosing to ignore those for now). The only problem with that date is it means I'll be missing another home Chargers game this season! In the 14 years of my season ticket holder status, I have missed exactly 1 home game since I was busy birthing a child. (Yes, I should have planned that pregnancy better!) This season, I will be missing 2 games! So far, as a season ticket holder I have missed 1/140 games for a 0.7% absence rate. By the end of this season, I'll have missed 3/150 games for a whopping 2% absence rate. I've already alerted the team and explained the situation, so they are not distracted when they look into the stands and notice that I'm not there. I don't want to be blamed for Norv's poor playoff preparations - but that's another blog...

So, today I'm feeling good. Just a bit tired. I'll get more tired as the day goes on and will spend tomorrow feeling crappy moving from the bed to the couch. But by the middle of next week I'll be back to avoiding the positive imaging tapes with more unpacking. Thanks to everyone for all of your support!

Positive Imaging

I couldn't find a positive imaging book that included my cheesecake healing idea, so instead I ordered the Fighting Cancer tape from Healing Journeys (thanks for the suggestion K2!). I have only listened to it a few times since it requires sitting still and concentrating and that's not something I do often. But, the point is to learn to slow down and take care of myself, so I've set a goal to listen at least 3 times a week (they suggest twice a day). It starts in your calm, happy place. Mine is on a grassy hill overlooking the ocean in Wailea in my private cabana on my comfy lounge chair watching the sea turtles swim by. I can hear their fins lapping the water as they slowly pass. Of course there is a bottomless pina colada with a slice of pineapple and a pink paper umbrella at my side. The tape says to picture a warm peaceful beam of light from the sky that grows larger until it embraces you. From the surrounding light you can feel a warm healing energy throughout your body. Then there are gentle light beings around you who offer healing powers. At first I pictured the aliens from Cocoon, but then the tape suggested they were people who have loved you. I am a big believer in guardian angels, so it was an easy switch from Cocoon aliens to visualize my grandparents, great grandparents and brother who are bathed in white light. They surround me and I feel their energy. The light soaks through my body and I visualize my cells. The tape suggests that the cancer cells are chaotic and confused. To me chaos is fast and suggests uncontrollable cells, so I prefer to picture the cancer cells as big, slow and dumb. I know it contradicts the aggressive nature of the disease, but it works better for my brain. So the big, slow, dumb cancer cells are attacked by my blood cells. I see the blood cells as stingrays that stick their barbed tails into the cancer cells. The tape suggests the cancer cells become small thread-like waste. I prefer to think of them as shriveling up to look like raisins. Then the raisins are whisked out of my body through the natural waste disposal system (I don't visualize that part). It is relaxing to listen to the woman's voice on the tape and kind of fun to visualize the destruction of my cancer cells. I'm not sure if it helps my healing, but it definitely can't hurt, right?

In hair news, I survived my first Chargers game wearing a wig. I chose the short, blonde wig and my section mates said my hair looked "sassy". I'll take that :) I noticed while going through the security line that everyone wearing a hat was asked to lift it up so security could look underneath. Now I'm rethinking my hat hair/Chargers hat combo for day games (the hat hair only goes around the sides of my head - the rest is covered by the hat - it's cooler than wearing a wig) I don't really want to be flashing my nearly bald head to a line of drunk fans. I'll be missing the home opener due to chemotherapy, and there's not another home game until October, so I have time to devise a solution. And just to be clear (since I've been asked) even though the signature color for breast cancer is pink, there is no way I'll be wearing a pink Chargers jersey. Pink has no place in the NFL (or any sport really other than golf, which is really more of an activity than a sport anyway...)

Thank you for all of your support. I've survived the hard part of round 3, so it's all down hill from here!

Chemotherapy - Round 3

Today is my 3rd round of chemotherapy - that means I'm halfway done! Hurray! Had a good meeting with my doctor this morning. Health-wise everything is great - I'm tolerating the meds well. The bad news is he is highly discouraging my planned trip to Seattle for Steph's birthday and the Chargers game. I had my labs done last weekend to correspond with when I would be traveling during the 5th round of chemo. To travel my blood counts needed to be between 1000 and 1500. Mine were 68 (no I did not forget a 0). Very low. That means the chemo is kicking the hell out of my immune system. (At 50 I would be hospitalized for observation) I could overrule the doctor and go anyway, but 2 planes and a stadium full of people who live without sunlight is probably not the smart thing to do.

Anyway, I'm feeling good. I put on my long blonde wig yesterday to get some pizza and Jake said, "Mom! You look just like Hannah Montana!" I love that boy!

Wigs and Positive Imaging

I am 12 days into round 2 of chemotherapy and feeling great. Once I get through that first week, everything seems to be pretty close to normal. I've been running a few times, so I feel good about that. Days 10-14 are when my blood counts are at their lowest, so I'm the most susceptible to germs and getting sick. I've become slightly neurotic about anti-bacterial gel and hand washing, but I'd rather be neurotic than sick.

My hair is very thin and continuously falling out. I don't know if I'll end up completely bald, but it will definitely be close. I took my wigs (the girls) to my hair dresser on Friday and she lovingly spent more than 2 hours shaping them and thinning them out. They are so much easier to wear now! Plus I had a blast getting 4 haircuts in one afternoon. I wore the short blonde wig first and she didn't even recognize me. Once that one was fixed (bangs needed a trim) I took it off to put on the next one. She started laughing because she thought I was going to want to hide in the bathroom so no one would see my bald head. Me? Hide? No way! Especially when I can scare the hell out of the women sitting next to me who have no idea that my hair's about to come off. I saw some pretty surprised faces! Anyway, I now have 4 very wearable and more comfortable girls - all look very different - so I have to decide which person I'm going to be each morning. It's more fun than I thought wig wearing would be - although itchier too.

I am spending some time researching positive imaging. I've realized my brain is working against me to make me sick. For example, whenever I smell rubbing alcohol I feel nauseous. I also get nauseous when I look at my anti-nausea meds. Even on a day like today when I feel completely fine. If I look at the pill bottles, I have a negative physical reaction and have to put food in my stomach to stop the nausea. I know it's all in my head, but telling myself that doesn't make it not happen. So, I've decided that if my brain can make sick, than it surely can also make me well. I would like to learn how to look at a piece of cheesecake and feel instantly energized and healthy. Why not? Has anyone read the positive imaging book by Norman Peale? That seems to be the go-to positive imaging book and has good reviews. I'm going to grab a copy this week and start reading. I'm not good at sitting still or meditating, so I need to find a way to train my brain that will fit into my type-A world. If Pavlov can train dogs to do it, then I certainly am trainable!

Thanks for all of your support!

Day 5, Round 2

Round 2 of chemotherapy has definitely been harder than the first. Receiving the drugs on Wednesday was the same, actually a bit faster (4 1/2 hours). I took the anti-nausea drugs Thursday and Friday around the clock just in case. Saturday I had a killer headache and slept off and on all day. I didn't feel nauseous, so I didn't take the anti-nausea pills. I woke up around 11:00 on Saturday night in complete misery. It was as if the worst flu I ever had hit all at once - I was nauseous and sweating, and dizzy. I quickly took one of the anti-nausea pills and laid on the bathroom floor where I remained for about 3 hours. I eventually made it to the couch and then back to bed. Sunday morning I felt much better, just really tired. As the day went on, I felt better and better and today am feeling fine. I am having the metal taste/sore tongue thing going on again, but that should be gone in a few days. I would write that so far there hasn't been any of the horrible acne, but I don't want to jinx it, so I won't write it. My skin also hasn't been as dry, but I've been using tons of face cream to try to prevent it this time. Hopefully it's working.

I also have exciting news! I was in line at Lowes earlier in the week wearing my short blonde wig. A woman who was not wearing glasses and did not appear to be mentally challenged asked me if I had just had my hair done because it looked really cute! I felt like the heavens opened up and angels were singing. I spend my day questioning everyone in my mind "Can she tell it's a wig?" "Does he know it's a wig?" "Can you tell it's a wig?" (No, I'm not yet confident in my new hair... ) So, when this woman standing 4 feet from me asked about my hair, I almost kissed her! Of course, I had no idea what to say, so I said, "Oh, it's a wig!"

Round 2

Just got settled in my recliner for round 2 of chemotherapy. I saw my oncologist this morning and had a good appointment. I was reprimanded for not going to the emergency room when I had my 102 fever. I was told that if it happens again (which I am at risk for) I should go immediately to the emergency room. OK, message received. My doctor was proud of me for shaving my head and even more impressed I did it following the no-alcohol rule. Props for me! He also tentatively approved my trip to Seattle in September for Stephanie's birthday and the Chargers Seahawks game. I need to have my blood work done this month at the same time my trip would be during round 5. If my labs show my blood counts are strong then he said he would assume they will be in the same place during round 5 and approve my travel - hurray! He made a big point of saying that my blood counts determine my travel schedule, not a pre-purchased plane ticket. In other words, anything can happen and the labs rule. I'm OK with that. I also complained and whined about the dry, flaky skin and acne I experienced in the 1st round. He said the dry skin was caused by the chemo, but that the acne was most likely caused by the steroids (I take steroids for 3 days at the beginning of each round of chemotherapy). It is good news that it's not the herceptin causing it which means I won't have to deal with it for an entire year - just 5 more times. He even said it may not happen again - my fingers are crossed!

Earlier this week I saw my surgeon and had my foob pumped up to it's new and final size. My surgeon actually said, "since the other one is so small, I think we've reached maximum capacity". Hey, it may be small, but it managed to earn beads at OTL in the late 90's, nourish 2 children and put me in this chair receiving chemotherapy drugs, so I guess size doesn't mater in this case. Anyway, the good news is that I'm on the books for surgery in late November - 20-year-old boobs here I come!

My oncologist said I should tolerate this round the same as round 1, except the fatigue could be worse since it's cumulative. So I'll be napping most of the weekend, which is not a bad way to spend a lazy summer afternoon. Thanks for your prayers and support!

Bye-bye Hair

Hair shedding in my bed, on my clothes, on the furniture, whatever. When hair starts shedding in your food, you know there's a problem. I had about week left of hair, so decided to just cut it off. The boys cut whatever they could with the scissors and then I called Scotty to shave the rest (because he has the coolest hair around!) No tears and no margaritas! Thanks Scotty!

Maybe I Spoke Too Soon

After posting on the 5th how invincible I am, I spent the past day and a half in bed with a 102 fever and sore throat. Damn it! I much prefer invincible! I am feeling much better today. But, I am starting to believe that my hair is not immune to the chemotherapy. This morning I saw my hair on my pillowcase when my head was already out of bed. I grabbed my hair into a ponytail and ran my hand down to the end and was left holding a handful of hair. More proof that I am not invincible. I guess I'll be returning my wonder woman cape to the invincible store and donning a wig instead. Actually, I think I'll donate my wonder woman cape to my mom - she's spent the past 2 nights here taking care of my boys, my house, and me. She's the real super hero! Thanks Mom!

July 5

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend! I'm feeling great and have even started running again. So you can all worry about someone else until my next round of chemo on the 14th :)

Chemo Day 6

Just thought I'd check in with everyone to let you know I'm feeling pretty good - downright normal - today. Today is the 6th day of chemotherapy and I've heard to expect the worst from day 2 all the way to day 10. So, I'm not sure that I'm out of the woods yet. I'm actually pretty relieved so far. My side effects have been more annoying than debilitating. The biggest factor has been fatigue (just like the doctor said). I am walking around with the energy of a sloth. I did sleep about 15 hours on Friday night and I think that helped a lot. I've also been able to nap almost every day for at least an hour. We'll see how my energy is this afternoon - by 3:00 I have been more of a watcher than a participant. Other annoying side effects have been a constant headache (sometimes better, sometimes worse, but constant) and tummy issues (but have been able to avoid the nausea meds). But by far the most annoying side effect has been a complete teenage acne flare-up. If you knew how long it took me to reconcile with my skin after high school you would realize what a mean side effect this is. I mean is there no one at the FDA with a heart? Let's see, this drug will zap all your energy, make you bald, make you feel sick, and bring back memories of Oxy 10 - approved! I know I shouldn't be complaining - it is way better than the alternative. I need to find out which drug is the acne culprit. I've read it's herceptin which will be a real bummer since that's the drug I'll be receiving for a year. Emotionally it has been stressful waiting to get sick. That on top of the other drama has set me off a couple of times in the past few days and if you've been on the receiving end I'm really sorry. Hopefully I'll continue to feel better until the next round of chemo and be back to my charming self!

1 Down... 5 to Go!

OK, you can all stop worrying about me. I survived my first chemotherapy infusion. I certainly don't expect the next 3 weeks to fly by with no side effects, but as for the infusion, it was a piece of cake. I got my own recliner right next to a window overlooking a garden, my own TV with HBO, a restaurant menu for lunch pick-up or delivery, visits & snacks from family and friends, and lots of texts and email messages. Seriously, sitting with my feet up for 4 hours was not bad at all. The port was great - no poking my arm to find a vein. I did feel the needle when my nurse first put it in the port, but that was only 3 seconds of cussing in my head. Then, I didn't feel a thing after that. The nurse first drew blood to run my labs. They would take about an hour to process, so I started with the Herceptin infusion, since it shouldn't affect my blood counts. That was 1 1/2 hours. By then my labs had come back looking good, so it was time for the hard core drugs. There was a 15 minute infusion of an anti-nausea drug (Aloxi) and then 1 hour of Taxotere (this is the drug that will make my hair fall out). If I was going to have an allergic reaction to a drug, it would have been this one, so it was given slowly at first, and then a bit faster once it was clear that I could tolerate it. Next was another anti-nausea/steroid (Decadron) - which I have been taking at home & keeps me up half the night, so if any of my night owl friends want to chat, this is the week to call. Finally I finished up with another hour infusion of Carboplatin. So, 5 drugs in about 4 hours. Then the port was flushed, the needle removed, and I was sent home with a blue Snoopy bandaid.

The infusion center was pretty cool. The IV was on wheels so if I wanted to roam around or visit the bathroom I was free to do that without disrupting the medication. Once I was in my chair with my pillow and blanket, I was set, so the roaming report will need to wait to the next infusion. Mom stayed with me the whole time and picked up lunch from the hospital restaurant and picked up my anti-nausea medications (3 different kinds, just in case) from the pharmacy. A friend came to visit with smoothies for the last hour for an extra special treat - thanks K!

Before the chemotherapy, I had a quick visit with my oncologist. He tried again to convince me to cut my hair. I tried again to convince him that if I am the one person whose hair is resistant to Taxitone that medical researchers will be thanking me for have extra hair to donate for studies. I also tried again to convince him that alcohol and chemo do mix, especially during the Chargers season. He made what I think was a sarcastic comment about how much I could drink during the playoffs on the Chargers road to the super bowl (my chemo ends in October). How did I end up with the booze-banning doctor with no love for my Bolts? He actually recommended O'Douls as an alternative to my tailgate margaritas! Outrageous!

For now, I'm planning to go on with each day and see what happens. So many of you have offered to help with the kids if I'm not feeling well, that I feel totally prepared for anything. My next infusion is in 3 weeks on July 14. Before then I see my surgeon who's going to pump up the expander so my foob will be even more spectacular! Thank you for all your good wishes and messages today - it made my day go by much faster.